Lessons on STRIFE 

The first thing you need to know before reading this lesson on strife is that SORROW and STANDING your ground are very different from being riddled with strife. I will discuss that soon!

Over the last month, I have been internally crafting a blog post on a book I've been reading about conflict and strife. I find that the best Christian books are discovered when thrifting and this one is a gem! I'm big on reflecting but not being too hard on myself. This was an area I needed peace this year, so it was not a coincidence that I stumbled upon this book.

I found a stack of books at a thrift stop. I bought all three, but here is the magic...I stumbled upon this pile, and the top book was pink, so naturally, it caught my eye. I opened the hardcover, and there was a full-page handwritten note. The note looked EXACTLY like my Mother's handwriting, and the contents contained words and phrases that my best friend Jenny tells me almost weekly! The honest and wholesome perspective on the page was by an author named Stephanie. I took every coincidence personally and bought all of them. Godly women were the authors.

I have been thumbing through the pages of Conflict Free Living, written by Joyce Meyer and copyrighted in 1995. It is applicable now, except I am confident she would compare strife to our social media lives and how we look at others online. Our jealousy and contempt towards others find us online. A great example to me is when a couple has apparent issues, and they use social media to discuss their strife in actual words or quotes. All ways are an unhealthy way to deal with conflict and strife. A few years ago, I was guilty of this. If we are to give to the poor under the eyes of God and not for man's glory, do you think we are to expose spouses or others on a platform such as Facebook? If we are to pray in private, not to mirror those who pray on the corner just to be seen, should you single individuals out, even if you are not revealing their names? Social media would transform Joyce's 1995 book, but the relevance is the same.

Here are my highlighted notes:

"Jesus gave us His peace for our protection. We are to 'hold our peace' and 'let peace be the umpire' in every situation (Exod.14:14; Col. 3:15). We should 'crave peace and pursue it' and be 'makers and maintainers of peace.'"

"'Mark the blameless man and behold the upright, for there is a happy end of the man of peace.'" (Psalm 37:37)

"Other descriptive words that describe strife are quarrel, rivalry, wrangling, debate, provocation, and factions. I define strife as bickering, arguing, heated disagreement, or an angry undercurrent."

"'For wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony, rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practices.'" (James 3:16)

In her ministry, Joyce had a personal experience that consisted of three new employees who interpreted bible verses differently. We all know that the bible is not always easy to read, or we read it later in life when we have a million distractions. We must remember that we should respect everyone's opinions of how God's word speaks to them. Being right is a human need, not a Godly need. The easiest way to explain differing opinions is this: how everyone's journey is different. There are more than two paths, but I will compress it.

(1) You were blessed to grow up in church with Godly parents who taught you bible verses from the start. You attended church regularly, and you were raised in a Christian atmosphere. 

(2) You most definitely were not raised as described above. Sometimes, you start in young adulthood, and sometimes, you are well into mid-life before you start reading the bible. 

*Neither is "right" or "wrong."

I personally have to read a verse, watch the corresponding Bible Project video on YouTube and re-read. This isn't for everything, but for the parts I find difficult. It's not an issue of being "educated" because I have two degrees and write novels. I can read, and I can write, honestly, at a higher level than your average person. My IQ is above average, but I STILL need help understanding. Put me in calculus class, though, and you will see me spiral downward. So don't equate your frustrations with understanding the word to just not being capable. We are all capable. God said the poor and struggling man is rich in spirit, so he finds you on all levels. We are often closed off to his word, which is why we need help interpreting it. The excuses and trauma of your past, and your willingness to say I am not worthy, will be the biggest hurdle to keep that bible open. My biggest and oldest fear would be that I could not remember and retain or hold a casual conversation with those who were eloquent in understanding, but after learning that it takes time, I don't mind investing mine. 

Growing up in childhood and young adulthood of religious turmoil, I closed the bible after multiple attempts to read it and felt discouraged. My husband and I recently joined a new church, and within this new home, I have found the safety and confidence to learn and absorb. I feel so safe and seen here. So, within all the strife I carried for former houses of God, it was he who led me to The Crossing all along. There is no need for strife; he always cares for you and leads you towards HIS plans, not yours. 

Strife is a silent killer, and I carried it for so long. Its not learning to be okay with being wrong, not firing back when someone gives you a rude comment, not gossiping about people or a situation when given the opportunity. Letting go of strife is choosing peace when it's not a life-altering situation. 

Strife will kill your marriage if you carry around anger for something the other person did. Strife will kill your marriage if you fire it at a spouse who is justified in being hurt instead of apologizing. Strife will kill your marriage if you bring it from work and fill your house with it. 

Strife will kill your friendships if you carry anger for canceled plans, no matter the reason. Strife will kill your friendships if you misunderstand each other and refuse to work out the differences. No communication means you are letting strife brew, and that is wrong. Strife will also kill your friendships if you let jealousy and envy seep in. 

Strife will ruin your children if you cannot hit the reset button when they mess up or break your trust. Strife will destroy your children if you mold it into screaming and yelling, claiming it's the only way to get them to listen to you. Strife will separate your family if you wield its ugly tongue towards your wife or kids in front of each other. Strife is the seed of anger, outbursts, and blow-ups that end Christian homes. Treat it as your enemy because it is.

Strife will ruin your classroom if you bring anger from home to your students. Strife will ruin your students if your idea of being underpaid and underappreciated affects how you engage them and how much you are willing to put into their education. Strife will demolish your classroom if you let young teens' manic emotional moods determine that you don't speak to them kindly and no longer see the potential in them, even on their bad days. Strife will kill you from within if you stand and gossip about people at work or you unload everything that you should be praying about. Strife will block you from asking yourself, "What must this person be going through in their own life to say this about me? God help them, sincerely."

Headed back to the beginning of this, I mentioned that sorrow and standing your ground are not the same as strife. Although they are different, they are very close to each other, and it is up to us individually to be sure we don't cross the threshold of justification and enter the world of strife. 

Feeling sorrowful, quiet, depressed, and anxious is perfectly normal. Life comes with many issues, but what we do after we have these feelings determines our actual behavior. Do you choose to talk through issues after a period of sorrow, or do you begin to boil your strife at a low temperature? Even that becomes a rapid boil with time. 

The same goes for standing your ground. We are programmed to speak up for injustices. Are you speaking up for the injustices of God's people or for a flawed government that is often worshiped more than the heavens? We must stand up for what is right, but how you manifest and mold your actions when you decide it's necessary will impact everything. Are you defending injustice and mistreatment, or are you speaking from a selfish, shallow perspective because you were wronged? They differ. 

How I advocate for my children has often included strife in the past, but not anymore. I seek justice for them and speak the truth, but I do not hand out names or comment on anything other than what is necessary. I leave my hurt at the door once I say what I need to and leave behind who I need to. I leave my tongue on the back burner, or I leave strife to mold what kind of advocate I am. A passionate factual advocate is listened to because they are internally selfless. A selfish advocate erupts and is never taken seriously because of the strife attached to their opinions and accusations. We mold our advocacy, and we decide what it looks like.

If someone brings strife towards you, let them. You can sincerely pray for them while avoiding a judgemental undertone. This takes practice and work, but you have the choice to stop strife by putting a wall up against someone else's anger. You are the determining factor between its ceasing and its spreading. Strife has populated this world; you must identify yours and begin squashing it. 

-Stephanie Cooper